Would you believe it! During the Boro game on Monday night I was getting the back of my seat kicked repeatedly. Talk about annoying.
Eventually I snapped after about 15 minutes, turned around and said “Do you mind not kicking my seat”. “He’s only 3, I apologise” the father (I assume) replied “. “I don’t care about apologies, he shouldn’t even be here!” said I.
Why would someone take a 3 year old to a Manchester United match at Old Trafford? He won’t have a clue what is going on. Children of this age should be banned from Old Trafford.
Any complaints about my views should be sent on a postcard to;
Mustapha Kidban
Herod House
25 Kidfree Street
Skinflintshire
Thanks to that august scientific journal The Daily Mail we can now conclusively prove what we’ve all suspected in recent years, United fans are fuckwits. All United fans? Of course not, we’re being conservative here, let’s say.. around 80-90% of United fans are fuckwits. Now, lets get back to the Daily Mail (somebody has to) and to the groundbreaking work of its chief scientist Ian Ladyman (make up your own jokes).
Berbatov Go Home (or at least to Tottenham)
To quote from said scientific paper (bear in mind this is quite challenging and technical material, but that’s scientific papers for you):
..Furthermore, a quick poll of a handful of United supporters this week [see, this is how science works people, rigorous, extensive research!] provoked revealing responses as their club’s record signing prepares to return to White Hart Lane tomorrow.
Asked about the lack of tangible affection towards their Bulgaria striker, none were entirely positive.
‘He is seen as lazy by some of us and we won’t have that,’ one season ticket holder, a 50-year old company director, told Sportsmail. ‘To be honest, the only song we would sing about him would be one suggesting he should disappear back to Tottenham.’
Lets just savour the wit and wisdom of that anonymous ‘fan’ for a moment shall we.. isn’t is simply sublime? Its the finest fuckwittery. A fuckwit of almost mythic stature.
It was difficult to track down this anonymous company director and fuckwit, but given the unique resoures available at Red Raw Sounds we finally found him. Here he is demonstrating his Car Valeting service:
United fan and fuckwit
Dimitar Veron
But there’s more in this hard hitting scientific paper.
..Some United fans refer to him as ‘Dimitar Veron’ after some low-key early performances, a cruel reference to the club’s most famous big-money failure, Juan Sebastian Veron, who cost United £28m.
Where to even begin with this. At this point my nausea with such fuckwits overcame my objectivity and professionalism. The best I could do was to finally unearth said fans favourite holiday spot.
“Just a lazy Bulgarian”
One trivial side note here: the tagline to the image of Berbatov (naturally an image of him stood stock still), struck me as amusingly dodgy. Now it must be clear to anyone who isn’t a fuckwit that this blog isn’t too concerned with political correctness, but I had to smile when I read about “the lazy Bulgarian”, I wonder what the reaction would have been if he’d written lazy Irish, Scot, Jamaican, etc. Wouldn’t lazy, whilst still patently false, have been sufficient? Besides, the Bulgarians seem to be very busy and productive people, granted not all of that activity is legal, but still.
There is much more to make your shake your head in this erm, powerful scientific paper, but there’s only so much to say about something so profoundly stupid.
Recognising Genius (a HOWTO)
Instead I shall lead by example and take this opportunity to educate said fuckwits on the very slim chance they may be able to distinguish between genius and mediocrity.
Leonardo Da Vinci
Da Vinci was an Artist, Scientist and creative genius. Interestingly, and something not even mentioned on Wikipedia, Da Vinci’s own football career was cut tragically short when he devised a novel method for dealing with speedy wingers - through the use of his latest invention.. the crossbow.
Dimitar Berbatov still touched by genius in spite of fuckwit United fans removing his arms
Dimitar Berbatov is a football player and occasional genius. Apparently he also likes to draw. (Note to Ferdinand.. he likes to use grown up pencils to draw with, not those big crayons you love so much).
Britain, Land Of The Fuckwit
Below is a map of Britain. Very stupid, and worse, very mediocre people who like nothing more than a nice dose of mediocre everyday, well.. they all live here. Don’t come here. It’s so shit and broke even the Polish have returned home.
Interestingly if you cut open a fuckwit (I wouldn’t recommend it but lets face it we’d have a fantastic medal haul at the next olympics if stabbing was an event). Well, cut open a fuckwit and you’ll see the word “mediocre” written all the way through them. Amazing, but true. As are the following stats about the UK:
Population: 5 Billion and rising (and that’s just the fuckwits)
Religion: Mediocrity and Shopping
Infrastructure: Completely Fucked
Motto: Shut up and keep rowing
Character Traits: Loves mediocrity and the mob. Hates individuality and expressions of genius
Britain, or the UK. No longer referred to as Great Britain
Finally, here’s an independent graph from The MOBG (Ministry Of Bogus Graphs] which neatly illustrates the startling rise of the fuckwit at Old Trafford.
It's easy to lie with statistics, but we all know this is the truth
Didn’t you realise that the card with the little magnetic strip you point at the turnstiles was doing a lot more than reckoning United’s mountainous gold reserves? And no, it wasn’t measuring your IQ either, it was measuring your FQ. Your FQ? Yes, your Fuckwit Quotient.
Ta ta for now.
Dickie Dome
P.S. Yes Berbatov was poor against Tottenham but everyone was. His time will come.
